Welcome to fight day! Here we have a tortoise on the hunt. This is a predator you do not wanna come across in the wilderness. It is a focused, formidable unit. The cat is like “don’t you even think about headbutting me. What do y– back off ya wanker.” The cat looks to the human filming. “You better vacate the area if you value your life. This tortoise has a bad reputation, mate. I can handle myself, but you should flee human, you’re weak.” The tortoise runs in and lands a jab on the cat’s tail. It may look insignificant but imagine if the tortoise rubbed poison on its claws. Like when Oberyn Martell fought the Mountain. That could’ve been a death blow and we don’t know it yet. “Get back here ya ginger wanker!” yells the tortoise. “I am gonna rip you a new one. I know it was you who stole my toilet paper. I have a camera outside of my burrow. You stole my dunny paper, my sanitiser, my antibacterial wipes, and a whole carton of long-life milk. How the fuck do I survive without long-life milk? The cat jumps into action and lands a couple of jabby jabs. It circles round to the left and takes cover under the table. The tortoise is nipping at its heels. Kind of. Maybe. Okay, I’m hyping it up. Oh shit, the tortoise genuinely can’t see the cat. It’s understandable. That blue bouncy thingy ma jig is totes mcgotes in the way. C’mon, yeah there we go. His 20/20 vision has kicked back in. The cat better haul arse. It’s about to get mauled in the face. Ohhhh ouchy, something happened! Something definitely happened. They’ve gone off camera. It’s hard to see if there’s foul play. Oh look I don’t feel like the cat is taking the fight seriously. Look at it, meandering, laying down. So arrogant. “HADOUKEN!” yells the charging Tortoise. “WHACK!” Its shell gets rattled. It’s hard to slow down. You have to admire the endurance and stamina of the tortoise. It keeps coming at you no matter how many times you whack it off. I dunno why I said whack it off. It’s not the best phrase to describe a fight. It is so unfair they have a reputation for being slow. Once he gains momentum he is fast as fuck. Oh there’s another poisonous claw punch, followed by scrambling from the cat, and it runs away. This is becoming a shit main card fight. It may as well have been cancelled or postponed. The tortoise is dominating the space controlling the ring. Oh look out, is it gonna pick up a weapon? Nah, its old school, it doesn’t wanna use weaponry. This is it! No, it’s not. Fuck sake. I’m calling it, the cat should be disqualified. It is clearly showing a terrible level of sportsmanship. What’s it gonna do? It’s gonna run away! What about now? Run away! How about now? You’re gonna put up a fight, cat? You gonna do anything? NO! You’re gonna run away… The cat is about as useless and inactive as most governments during a global crisis. Avoiding, avoiding, avoiding the problem, meandering, wasting time, running down the clock, meandering, more avoiding and more sitting down. It looks back to the human “Oh you’re still here! You should have left, human. This tortoise can kill you. Not me, cause I’m so tough.” WHATEVER FUCK OFF CAT!!!