Ohohohoho, yeeahhh…! You say: “video, I choose you!” I say…good choice! …but I’m about to DYNAMAX with all this pent-up hype! The pocket-sized beasties protected by the royal sword and shield bring SO much good home, it’s impossible to be funny! But hey, look at me go! …I’m still gonna try! Lemme hear those teams down below, people! Let’s share the love, spread the word…and prove just what this phenomenal new roster’s truly made of! Do note: I love EVERY. Single. One of these beauties. I should emphasize: this was HARD to make. Suppose the only rules I have, are; no DLC mons, obviously… …and no Galarian forms. Though, new gen 8 evolutions are beyond fair game. The time is now, trainers! Here are my, ten…finest warriors! Awrooooo! Translation: …EN GUARDE! Sad that we’ve all been hardwired to hold conflict with every resident Ratata. I like all the designs at least a little, ‘cept Diggersby–but he’s an interesting battler… Something the other six…bleh! Barf! I evolve into shiny Weezing at the thought of one ACTUALLY covering both bases. *wheezes* Good God, Conker…the years have not been kind to you. You “Chonker”, now… No way in SMUCKER FUCK did this just happen! You’re telling me PETER GRIFFIN SQUIRREL’s the one regional rat that’s great in BOTH ways? Well, okay, Greedent… You ate EVERYTHING ELSE… …can you gobble up my heart? Y’know, I totally understand the dogs now. They yell “SQUIRREL”, and lock eyes with it like it’s a fat wad of hundreds. What’s the big damn deal? THIS…is your big damn deal! Six kilos of buck-toothed pudge! Greedent reps a special shade of cute, and one of the most interesting battle styles I’ve EVER seen! You ever see a fat cat? Like, REALLY fat cat? Same energy. I’ll wait forever for my snuggle to get delivered, just C’MERE!~ Bushy tail, wittle arms, twitchy nose, soft cushiony form…d’aww, I need your hugs! Please make a plushie of this furry marshmallow! It’s habit of raising it’s paws like it wants uppies, you’re just a little berry piggy! Ohhh, man, I LOVE it…! But even more surprising…this fuzzy fatass has NO business being this strong. Greedent’s a central abuser of one of my most favorite overlooked strategies–berry bitch! This damn fruit vacuum’s got a humongous HP stat, ESPECIALLY for early game, with almost triple digit physical stats. With the cheek pouch ability giving it a third of it’s health back on TOP of it’s hold berry’s effect… …and it’s signature Stuff Cheeks move stacking +2 on defense when used early… …the strategies and effects can be STUPID powerful. Cheek Pouch Sitrus Berry with Belly Drum for FREE MAX ATTACK… …Stuff Cheeks Apicot Berry for dual defense boosts… …or just topping off an early status condition with extra health! Add in the insane coverage of a Normal type…jeez, can see where “squirrelly” comes from. DATS NUTS. (squirrel noises) Snake? Snake?! SNAAAAAAAAAAKE! …yeah? Oh! Oh-hohoho, hell yeah! I’ve been screaming that for over 2 generations! Blessssss you for answering! Oh what fun it is to ride the serpentine hype train. It only kicks up, mmmm…whenever it feels like, but I’m THERE whenever it does! Sandaconda slithers down a path most of the other poke-snakes don’t. Typically elegant, soft, and let’s be honest–kinda feminine… …you’re thick to think the most legendary snake on our real life earth’s gonna be a follower. Nahp, clearly someone linked the “ssssss” of a snake to the rush of sand…and a lit fuse, ‘cuz BOOM. ..that edgy fuck’s face is a shotgun! Boop the snoot, get the SHOOT! HhhhAA! …and that’s not a joke. The way Sandaconda’s coiled refines the storage and expulsion of sand within it…essentially making it a sand cannon! Hoo hoo, Anakins beware! Badassery was definitely at the forefront when designing this desert noodle, and me likes it lots! …and I actually don’t find ground types to be particularly fun to use, pure especially. So, I’m really glad special care was taken to make Sandaconda as interesting as possible. Sandstorms just keep getting scarier, and adding a new bulky caster for it…didn’t calm anything down. Sand Spit isn’t as immediately useful as Sand Stream… …but with it essentially turning the slithery bastard into sandy mousetrap, smart team synergy can put on immense pressure. Combined with it’s serpent skills in Coil and Glare providing boosts and debuffs… …it can threaten with other members of the sandstorm squad, and even itself. Since, unlike Tyranitar, Hippowdon, and Gigalith…Sandaconda CAN recast a storm without switching. WATCH those Coil and Minimize stacks, I’m serious! Easily one of the most detailed, complex, and fun battle styles of any ground type…I’ve ever seen. “Pokemon games are easy”, they say. Well I’m firmly a “he”, and usually pretty good at noticing when an argument’s impotent–*wheezes* …and that? Yeah, THAT needs the pill. What’s better: flying apple or fat apple? You’re telling me a game with THAT choice is easy? PISS easy, even. Kiss my sour green ass and call me the taco girl! Both apple boys are BABY. I seriously wanna know who came up with this, so I can take ‘em out to a badass brunch buffet. The thought of “Hmm…I kinda wanna make apples epic!” was definitely one that belonged OUTSIDE the head. …and turned the cute but pathetic runt of the region into the resident champion of charm. Flapple and Appletun run with the nostalgic image of a little green worm making the forbidden fruit it’s cozy home in so many clever directions, so rapidly… …you’re gonna feel like a dumbass wondering why you suddenly care so much about apples. A happy dumbass, to be sure…’cuz these fellas DISSOLVE frowns. Oddly resembling Yoshi when fully grown, the flavor of their fruit determines their shape and strengths. If it’s sweet, that little worm just pigs out and EATS the whole thing! …ending up as the fresh baked chonky chunk lunk EVERYONE needs to hug! If the apple’s tart, though…wormy just breaks out and wears it like armor plating. …and so desperate for something actually tasty, FLIES with that shit! I can’t even with these two, man. They commit to the apple theme so hard…just about every possible joke is told. Their G-max form is literally a caramel apple… …their signature moves are references to the secret toxicity in apple SEEDS and Isaac frickin’ Newton… …one of them’s a goddamn PIE… …and the dragon type alludes to the biblical serpents that made Eve eat the Garden of Eden’s apples! Awesome stuff! In battle, too. …these vitamin C snakes are berry bitches! Doubling the effect of berries with Ripen… …Flapple and Appletun nourish their respective strengths in physical pressure and specialized fatness with a wide range of berry boosts. Always remember to recycle! …BOOSH! Yes…that is indeed apples, mate! While I like them more for design than battle, the quirky niche they cover is a cute distraction from the standard sweepers meta. The apples are fresh…GET ‘EM, while ya can! I’m in full agreement that Pokemon rosters in general are improving with every year. Making the already tough choice of actually picking family only barely possible. But rest assured and cured with a Chesto Berry…there’s always a safe, easy pick. The nigh all-covering fan favorite that’s illegal to say no to. Last gen was Mimikyu, now…we are… …Toxtricity! Feelin’ lucky, punk? Huh?! …are ya? Well, ya should! Because universally cherished mons have yet to see even double digits! Oh boy, look how special and unique I am! I like the zappy sludge lizard. I guess as some sort of subtle joke at the expense of the edgy, the world’s only poison/electric type snuck it’s way into our emotional album… …by simply being a mood. I knew right from the start something about Toxtricity clicked with a satisfying sound. Oddly making the zappy sludge lizard quite human by drawing it’s power from unchained highs. The putrid poke-punk rocker generates energy almost exactly like many of us. Through wild excitement for what we love, in it’s case…BLASTING it’s badass beats for a beatdown! Even strums the frills on it’s chest like a guitar! Dude, you’re sick. Equally relatable, Toxtricity knows the true power of chill. Mellowing out it’s mania to destroy all boredom and ensure you’re always secretly amped. …and I can’t be the only one that finds it funny that the moody teen pokemon’s biggest weakness is ground. “You’re grounded, mister!” *laughs* …oh, and did I mention these forms are determined by nature? I love this fucker! Let’s talk battle, ‘cuz that’s where the REAL metal starts pumping! I expect a lot of uniqueness out of Barney’s edge lord nephew, and good call! One of a kind in not only type, not only form, but also battle properties. The signature ability in punk rock skyrockets the damage of sound moves to straight atomic! …and with a signature sound move in Overdrive turning into a sheer force DISCHARGE plugged into a base– …haha… …114 special attack, not even a Dynamax Gyarados is safe from this purple nuke’s epic bass solo! Remember it well: you can still be metal as fuck, and rock out…and be whatever type ya want! Pokemon’s talent for making magic out of underlying darkness can’t be praised enough. Hiding shade and disturbia behind a candy-coated smiley face saying “I love you”, it shows balls. …and hey, we all throwing those around to capture hearts! It’s something practically every fan has come to adore…and continues to delight in the franchise’s latest. Vengeance, thy name was one you MOCKED! Oh, Toxapex…what have you wrought…? …a moment of honesty? I didn’t expect my favorite gen 8 evolution to drift here. I was so ready to ride the Obstagoon and Mr. Rime hype to the fullest, but alas…I was cursed. One of the biggest eye-wideners in all of Sword & Shield… Cursola…carries so much thematic weight, the scale retired to cancun in a body cast. Fatal contamination and cruel overhunting of healthy happy reef babies drove the species to early extinction… …forming a clump of bleached coral, transcending into a vengeful spirit. A ghostly blob of sorrow–shaping it’s hatred into ectoplasmic tendrils that siphon life force! GOD! …while I peg the fossils and Hatterene as some of Galar’s most disturbing, Cursola’s ties to real-world tragedy and Corsola’s history of mass ridicule tangles your heart into a dark, dark knot. Poor thing just wanted to live and love…and we mocked and killed it. Now it’s back, and SWEET TITTY-FUCKING JEHOVAH’S WITNESS! …we’re gonna WISH there are witnesses! Contrary to the personally boring dual wall it’s eviolite-clutching progeny runs, Cursola’s ruthless soul oozes the most powerful combined special stats of ANY non-legendary. The special attack of CHANDELURE and special defense of Umbreon assures complete domination in all things energy. Pair it with a diabolical move pool offering vast coverage and slimy tricks… …I have too much devious fun to care that it’s not well rounded. It’s a final flash in a can, I don’t think I’m gonna get bored. So take care of the coral reefs, ya dumbs! …or it’s gonna get ya. …here. What’s this? Big rock… …what do you want me to do with it? KILL ME! Lot of sleeper hits this go around. Only unga bunga bitch ass cave Mankeys think sleeping on a ROCK is comfy… …and that is ONE pissed off Tempur Pedic! Enter: Stonjourner! I LOVE this stupid lunk! …and shame it feels like it’s joined Crabominable as the resident shiny Wooloo of it’s generation. NOBODY talks about this thing, and that sizzles my shit. The “We Will Rock You” as sung by KING, not queen…is a visual darling charged with MEGATON energy. It really took us this long to be given a stonehenge Pokemon. Well, I’m not disappointed…surprisingly. Bro, you could’ve been the first Rock/Ghost type! Have creepy legends of people disappearing for joining you and your bros’ standing ominously party…but no! You just a smug sum bitch rock that KICKS fools! …yeah. Nothing creepy, nothing subtle…just a fat pebble that INVENTED leg day. I kinda dig all the ways they didn’t give a fuck. “Yo, boss–I made a stonehenge guy.” “Cool, make him KICK shit!”. …well, I definitely got one. Gotta love a goofy badass who has no business being one. As well as a pure rock type who has no right being actually interesting! Normally a one trick Ponyta, the resident “URRRGH HIT GOOD”…and NOTHING else, Galar’s only fully-evolved addition hides some fun twists. While having the top to bottom ratio of a half-empty toothpaste, Stonjourner plays two massively different roles dependent on battle format. In singles, it IS largely a bog standard mono-rock fatty. Utterly DISGUSTING upper body–chin of Thanos, pecks of ATLAS, and six-pack of crunchy Jesus. …but with the dick of a fetus. TV dinners deliver on the visual advertising better, pal. But with the power spot ability giving a passive 30% power boost to it’s partner, Stonjourner is a doubles deity. Truly unique blend of invaluable offensive team support and atomic physicality…there’s really no rock type quite like it. Dogshit coverage is a decent price to pay, but Stonjouner’s pact to proudly do it’s own silly thing in spite of what’s expected of it… You do, indeed, truly rock…for that reason. Y’know, it takes a lot to push new exciting vibes to even your bestest friends. I’ve NEVER had to tear myself to shreds to pick my favorite fighting type, yet here we are! You crazy, gen 8! Sirfetch’d and his valiant, stupid smug face critting time-space with his fat onion, Falinks marching to WHATEVER twitter pleases and omni-boosting punks left, right, left, RIGHT… …man, even Zamazenta’s cool! Mm. I’m in a bind, but that’s the whole POINT! Heyo, squiddo, what’s kraken? HA HA. ”…YOUR SPINE!” (incomprehensible heebie jeebies) Poised to rep the flag of by far the most common and obligatory type and opting to jump the Garchomp instead… …I have no doubt Grapploct WOULD sushi that bitch. This is exactly the kind of innovative awkwardness I live for. The answer to an age-old question: what if an octopus didn’t wanna octopus? …well, he just walks onto the land and beats your ass! OOOH, young Squidward went to Chuck Norris school! I love it. He ain’t no Water type ‘cuz YOU’RE the one sweating! I nearly died of laughter reading this concept, it’s so priceless. Grapploct’s a whiz squid in jujitsu, too…sporting amazingly clever design quirks: …punching with 4 tentacles, walking with 3… …and the last one’s a black belt! Dude! If that’s not enough to reliably wrestle down and EAT. GOLISOPODS–Good. Fuckin’. GOD… …then it’s NASTY battle strat is! Kinda like Salazzle, Grapploct’s a decent Pokemon on stats…but has an enormously unique and weirdly powerful niche. Presenting: Octolock! An EVIL move that traps the victim on the field…lowering BOTH defenses, EVERY turn. Way to pick on the fat guys! You best hope this thing doesn’t Octolock your team’s wall–or else you’re eating bulk up stacks and drain punches from hell! …and added coverage from Sucker Punch, Ice Punch, Liquidation, and Stomping Tantrum, something’s gonna feel the hurt. …and with Technician, Grapploct’s Revenges are NUCLEAR. Ooh, and my favorite! Partner with a Contrary Superpower Malamar…Octolock it, and you’re probably gonna win! A lot of people see a bog standard fighting type, and it’s weak coverage does kinda reflect that… …but Grapploct’s so wild and creative–I barely even see it. …and to do that without camouflage, well now you’re just flexing. ”Pick one.” Ehh! “Go on, pick one.” Kay, I now you’re legendary, but don’t PRESSURE me! ”Pick one, spazz!” THAT one! “Which one, mate?” ALL OF THEEEEEM! I say nerts to your stupid “teams”, I’M on team ALL! Gen 8’s handling of the first friend chosen was so massively cash money, I would’ve EXPLODED if I couldn’t issue a well-earned 3-way tie. Oh wait, it’s my video! YUSH! Every one of the 3 flagship picks look like models for the most awkwardly epic stadium event in history. Big bongo banging brush baboon BRO Rillaboom, the one-ape band… …opening up for a super bowl sized game of FOOTBALL! …where the crowd favorite, Cinderace–the hippity-hoppity soccer mom from HELL, chars fools before the whistles blown. ..and for some reason, Gex is there. Yep. Honestly, it IS a weird trio. Bit of a stretch to say they ALL link together. Sure, Europe loves their soccer–FOOTBALL, SORRY. …and Inteleon’s literally: Pond. JAMES…Pond. Because, BRITISH. …but then there’s a grass monkey playing the drums? Looks like Donkey Kong found the weed. Very…UK-nese. But really, I don’t even CARE…these guys are charming as hell! Rillaboom and his super saiyan hair’s got that lead drummer vibe of “I don’t know why you’re cool, but you are…”. Cinderace is exceedingly cute and spunky–those legs could crunch a Stonjourner’s face in two! …and Inteleon’s slept on HARD for literally no reason. An aquatic secret agent lizard that shoots from it’s pointer finger like we all pretended to do as kids! If that doesn’t make you smile, you CAN’T smile. Galar’s starters are tough as milk-free NAILS, too. Oddly sticking to pure typings, their stat spreads, move pools, and abilities make them easily the strongest starter trio of all. Baked DK’s a FAT mofo with good moves for a fat mofo to have. Excellent physical strength, and will likely outclass Tapu fuckin’ Bulu once it’s hidden ability releases. Cinderace is an OU BEAST with ludicrous physical sweep potential, Disgusting signature moves providing stupid fire power and full control over enemy HAZARDS and screens… …and might be the strongest starter in history once it gets Libero. Like a Fire Greninja with Sceptile coverage, have MERCY. If I had to pick a favorite of these three, it’d be her. Oh, and Inteleon’s a solid special sweeper with fun coverage. Pretty standard, but very reliable. Easily my favorite starter trio, and with how impossible the last gen made that to claim… Wow. Simply, wow… Every modern pokemon generation has tormented me with their cast of my favorite type–bug. Yet, made the selection of my second favorite; ice…easier than a hand-holding cake. So, smush that together…wow, do things work out! Forgive me, my darling Snom…I just couldn’t wait for you to grow up! Call me a fake parent all ya like, but moth-er FUCK…I love, love, LOVE this moth fuck. Orbeetle and Centiscorch be damned to Christopher Walken’s bug bomb in Mousehunt when choice 3 is this fluffy snow flapper! Frosmoth was a love at first sight. even if that sight was late enough for Duke Nukem Forever to kick the fuck it bucket. As what I assume to be Volcorona’s sophisticated Swedish sister… …the mark of the moth continues to impress after many early years of…not. Ice/Bug type…another long-term dream, made true! Weaving the remarkable might of the insect kingdom and badass beauty of the bitter cold… …together with crystalline silk ensured a 1:1 ratio of elegant to deadly. …and cute. SO cute. (like Stitch)…and FLUFFY! Sure, like almost all corners of both sides of it’s family…the sticks and stones winded up, …and those stones hurt like they’re passing out the kidney wearing a barbed wire coat… but I love how Frosmoth knows what it is…and respect just how good it is at it. You can tell I like specially oriented mons as demonstrated by Cursola. …and it gets, even CRAZIER, believe it or not. Great on the attack, tad disappointing on the defense…until you touch the fluff. Ice Scales brings that base 90 to REGICE tier. Now topping her western sis as the most specially powerful bug in the series…taking both stats into account. SUPER nuts, given it’s other aces in battle. Powerful ice S.T.A.B., eye-opening type coverage… …and Qui-, Qui…(wheezing)QUIVER DANCE?! Quiver in fear, plebs! QUIVER! Major bonus points for the surprise snowball–ehhhh?~…effect. …and I’m a sucker for pokemon that shout FUCK YOU to the nay say. Just wait ‘til I get my Hidden Power back, ya fucking steel types! Death by winged cotton ball is in your future! I always found Sword & Shield to be a fishy title. Not colors, not gems, not symbols of space…weapons. Almost like…someone needed to defend themselves. …and THIS is a casual reminder that “why” is the W you need to fear! Inventing both the “power” and “creep” in power creep…Eternatus, is above gods. All those mega patient Poison type masters that huddled around the summoning circle praying for their first legendary to come… …good GOD, did that pay off! Galar’s impending doom is a revolting cluster of HEART ATTACK inducing stats and terrifying cosmic symbols. LOOK at this monster… The shape of a dragon’s freshly stripped skeleton mixed with a vile shade of purple… …paints the picture of your average holy, usually cute, flying reptile… …getting it’s flesh and guts DISSOLVED by ACID! If that sounds both fascinatingly horrific and amazingly cool at the same time, congrats…you’re catching on! But, even more important…look at it’s NAME. “Eternatus”. Yeah, shut both eternity and Thanatos in a hook up closet and see if they make out! They ain’t playing with us. That’s literally “ENDLESS DEATH”! …a bit redundant when your base stat total’s rated X. 690 is ridiculous… STUPID HP, stupid special attack, stupid speed, coupled with dominating tools like Recover… …the regionally rare Toxic, Cosmic Power… and because it GAVE the world Dynamax…it literally shreds this meta-mutating ability with a single blast! If it ended there, it’d be a solid number 3. But you realize…the embodiment of infinity HAS A NAME. *wheezes intensely* …hhhhHELP, anybody! Behold…Eternamax Eternatus! The power peak of Pokemon kind. Quadruple digit BST(Base Stat Total)… …the HP of Blissey… …Shuckle-shattering defenses… …and still as fast as Mewtwo…?! How is this even POSSIBLE?! THERE’S ONLY SO MANY WORDS I CAN GIVE! But what ranks Eternatus on top, and straight into my top 3 of all time…is was it symbolizes. The significance of Arceus… …the power of Gen 1 Mewtwo… …and the enigma of Deoxys. …it’s silencing. An invincible alien TITAN whose true form warps space time itself… …mutates the entire balance of power with it’s mere PRESENCE… …sparking a prophetic disaster around a terrifyingly suspicious time frame… …all driven home by the symbolic horror of it’s Eternamax form. A gigantic dark claw reaching DOWN for us… …from the center of the universe. I’m speechless, utterly…speechless. I have never seen a Pokemon so well designed before… The biggest and strongest to ever exist… Eternatus, is a flawless force. THIS is being Fawful’s Minion! …wondering intensely, who IS our real god…? …and now, give it up! For the high-tier Patrons! …may we meet again!